


X-Men:  First Tap A Dat Ass

by loveyhowl



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-19 02:09:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3592365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveyhowl/pseuds/loveyhowl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Recap. The Not-So-Condensed X-Men: First Tap A Dat Ass</p><p>WARNING: This recap has been slightly embellished. With apologies to Marvel Comics, Matthew Vaughn, all of the writers of X-Men: First Class and everybody in the universe.</p><p>Originally published 03/05/2012.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Pt. 1 In The Beginning...

Credits Roll

Poland, 1944.

Young Erik Lehnsherr demonstrates his mutant ability by obliterating a metal gate in an attempt to save his parents in a Nazi death camp. A man takes note of the incident as the boy is finally subdued violently by soldiers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Westchester, New York, 1944.

We find ourselves at the mansion of someone ridiculously rich. A child—a boy of about nine or ten—is in the kitchen looking at an imposter in the guise of his mother.

"Who the fuck are you?" he asks the woman suspiciously.

"Darling, calm yourself. How's about a cuppa?" the woman offers nervously.

_"A cup of what? Air? You're not my mother—my mother's never set foot in this kitchen or any other in her whole life. As a matter of fact, the only way anyone's ever even been able to get her in this kitchen was to snap a photo of her and hang it here..."_ he tells her telepathically as he points to the framed photo of him and his mother on the wall. To his shock and amazement the woman transforms and becomes a darling, if scaly, little naked blue girl with blazing red hair.

"Damn!"

"Oh, put your eyes back in your head already."

"I knew I wasn't the only one in the world. Fantastic! I see that you're hungry—take whatever you want."

"Really?"

"Yes, please—mi casa, su casa, comprende? You're home now and you'll never have to steal again."

"Wow, thanks. But is that going to be okay with your parents?" the girl asks him worriedly.

"Duh...my mother's hung in frame on a wall; my father's not hung at all..."

"Oh, poor chap—maybe that's why your mother's not here."

"What?" the boy asks her, totally bewildered.

"Uh, nothing..."

"Whatever. Don't worry about anything—I run _this_ shit," he beams at her proudly. "What's your name, anyway?"

"Raven."

"Hi Raven, I'm Charles Xavier."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, back at the death camp...

Young Erik has been brought to the office of sadistic, Nazi-sympathizing scientist and well-hung warden Dr. Klaus Schmidt to demonstrate his abilities.

"Erik, show me what you can do and I'll give you a piece of chocolate."

"Fuck your chocolate—I want to see my mother."

"Just indulge me, sonny, or you'll be sorry."

Erik tries and fails to pass his test of ability. To his surprise and limited joy his mother is then brought into the room. They have a happy one-second reunion until Schmidt breaks down to him what is expected of the boy.

"Now, Erik, show me what you can do or I'll put a bullet in your mother's brain." Schmidt aims his pistol at the poor woman and begins a count down. "Eins...zwei...drei"

Erik desperately tries to comply with the man's wish and fails miserably, yet again. He hears the single shot and then his mother slump to the floor, dead. In anguish and rage he accomplishes what he had not been able to do before. In the ensuing carnage he kills the guards and makes a big mess of a room filled with medical instruments that would have otherwise taken Schmidt out if they weren't locked behind a pesky door and a plate glass window. He realizes the wasted opportunity and bows his head in abject failure.

"Hmm, anger and pain—works for me," says Schmidt, ever the bastard. "Well, little dude, I feel ya. Here, take this crappy Nazi coin and buck up—we're gonna have fun unlocking your abilities."

Erik vows silently, then and there, that some day he's going to stick that coin somewhere in the evil doctor where the sun don't shine.

Fade To: Title Sequence as the Nazi coin flips over from its swastika side to reveal: X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Geneva, Switzerland, 1962.

Erik Lehnsherr, now a full grown man, reclines on a bed in a forlorn hotel room in Geneva. He has escaped his nemesis and spent untold years honing his mutant genetic ability plotting his revenge against Schmidt, now known as Sebastian Shaw. He is content at this moment to manipulate Shaw's damnable Nazi coin with his mind, weaving it through his fingers with effortless precision and also to bask in the glory of his extreme hunkitude; he is seething with anger and resolute calm as he prepares to execute the first round of his battle to make Shaw pay for his crimes against his father and mother—and against him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oxford University, England.

Charles Xavier is a horny student hanging out in the University pub as Raven, disguised as a bodacious human girl, looks on jealously; he is flirting madly with a beautiful co-ed, doing his schtick about the grooviness of mutation, in this case, of the young lady's eyes being two different colors.

"You might call it..."

"A crashing bore, all of this talk of mutation. Are you gonna take me somewhere and bang my brains out, or what?" the girl asks him impatiently.

Before he can answer Raven interrupts by introducing herself to the little slut and changes her eyes to two different colors, as well.

"Wow, your sister has heterochromia, as well!" the girl exclaims to Charles delightedly.

Charles takes his "sister" by the arm and leads her out of the pub with his apologies to the young lady. "Must get her home now..." Out on the street he lets his anger rip.

"Cock-blocker..."

"I've got something for what ails you, honey," she assures him.

Charles groans irritatedly.

Back at home Raven, in her natural form, prepares for bed as Charles works on his thesis.

"Mutant and proud?" Raven grumbles to herself in the bathroom mirror. "Charles, would you date me?" she asks him in all seriousness from the bathroom doorway.

Absorbed in his work he answers her easily. "Who wouldn't? You're stunning..."

"I mean like this..."

Her tone forces him to look away from his paper. "What? Oh...well...uh..." he begins to stutter.

"Just shut up already," she sighs heavily as she goes to him where he sits on the couch and pours herself into his lap.. "Frickin' read your paper out loud—I need help going to sleep."

"Raven, you're my sister, I could never, you know...anyway," he says delicately to her.

"I'm not your sister and you're a hypocrite. But I'll forgive you. This time."

"Well, thanks for that, then."

"Yeah, I got your 'thanks'. Read, already."

Charles begins to read, oblivious to Raven's hand which has grasped his free one and proceeds to take it on an unexpected journey.

"What?" he asks absently. He is used to feeling her scales through her clothes, such as at that moment through Raven's robe, but he feels something suddenly more akin to a nipple. "Raven!" He looks and then yanks his hand away from her very well-developed and scaly breast.

"Oh, you're no fun at all," she says disgustedly. She rises and leaves him on the couch as she stalks off to bed in a huff.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in Geneva...

Erik walks through the street, with a a swagger so sexy that it should be illegal, on his way to pay a visit to a Swiss banker. He's on the hunt to track Klaus Schmidt through his blood money and demands the intel from the banker, who tries unsuccessfully to call for help. He extracts the desired information as well as a filling from the banker's mouth with a good old-fashioned magnetic mouth-raping technique.

"Thank you, asshole. Do not alert anyone that I'm coming for them—or I'll come back with power drills and a really bad attitude."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Las Vegas, Nevada.

CIA agent Moira MacTaggert is on assignment with her partner outside of an exclusive gentleman's party at the Atomic Casino.

"Now that's a party..." says Moira's partner as they scope the casino from their car.

"And I've got my invitation right here," she says as she sees a bevy of beauties enter the club in various forms of sexy lingerie. She strips down to her bra, panties and real 1960's garters and slips in with the other women. She sees Emma Frost usher Colonel Robert Hendry into a private room and finds one to spy from.

She sees Sebastian Shaw, Frost, Colonel Hendry and then a fine Latin hunk sitting at the bar through the crack in the door.

"Damn, all dressed up, somewhere to go and can't get there..." she mutters to herself under her breath disappointedly as she continues to eye the Latin hunk appreciatively. The conversation gets heated; the Latin hunk generates a tornado from his hands and hurls it at the Colonel, who has just refused an invitation to start a war. Emma Frost reveals her true diamond form and stymies the Colonel as he wonders just how painfully pleasurable a titty-fuck between diamond triple D's could actually be. Emma gives a slow shake of her head at him in reprimand. Moira hides herself again in fear.

"Now, who's bitch are you?" Moira hears Shaw ask the Colonel; she peeks again and sees that he has one hand at his ear as he leans over Colonel Hendry, who has now totally forgotten about Emma's sparkling diamond tits.

"Yours..." the Colonel whimpers.

"Very good. Azazel!" Shaw calls out to no one in particular in the room. Emma shoots Shaw a reprimanding look then and whistles. Suddenly the Devil himself appears in an ectoplasmic red cloud. He is the color of hot red lava, with a long feral-looking prehensile tail pointed at the tip; it latches on to the Colonel and whips him up from the floor within its grasp as he speaks to Shaw, annoyed.

"I'm not deaf, I can hear you...how many times do I have to tell you that?" He smooths the wrinkles in his Armani suit and gives a toss of his head after he pushes a few stray strands of his hair away from his eyes.

Riptide shoots him a puzzled look.

"What?" asks Azazel as he stares Riptide down, more than annoyed and batting his eyelashes furiously. 

Riptide sidles surreptitiously over to his friend and whispers out of the side of his mouth. "Uh...dude--I've never read anywhere that Azazel is gay..." 

"I'm a fucking _demon_ from _way_ back in the day, for God's sake," he lisps, "and I'm doing _his_ bidding?" he holds up his fist and points his thumb at Shaw. "Fuck the script, this is how I'm playin' it..."

"My bad, Azazel," Shaw interrupts him. "Please be kind enough to escort Colonel Hendry to his meeting?"

Azazel rolls his eyes but says nothing. In one simultaneous moment he grabs the Colonel by the arm and disappears with him in another haze of ectoplasmic smoke. Moira runs like hell out of the room, through the club and back to her partner waiting for her curbside.

Outside of the Atomic Casino...

"Drive!" Moira instructs her partner frantically as she fumbles for the phone to make a desperate call to the CIA Director. "Shaw is implementing a nuclear war—he's coerced Colonel Hendry to help him!"

"Who is is this?"

"Moira MacTaggert, calling from Las Vegas, sir. Colonel Hendry was just here..." She proceeds to report what she has seen in the club.

"MacTaggert, get your crazy ass back to headquarters. And I strongly advise that you bring back some of whatever it is you've been smoking, because it sounds like a lonely party. Puff, puff, pass! Or have you not read the rule book?"

"Sir? Did you not hear me?"

"I heard you. And Colonel Hendry is at the meeting right now—no way he was in Vegas."

"I just told you how he got from Las Vegas sir..."

"Puff, puff, pass, MacTaggert.," the Director says angrily and hangs up on her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back at Oxford U...

Charles graduates and is immediately thirsty for a drinky-poo. He and Raven head to the pub as Moira MacTaggert follows them, totally aware that her raincoat and dress should be a lot shorter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Argentina

Erik Lehnsherr strolls across an Argentinian hillside in all of his sexy glory making the majestic mountains looming over picturesque Villa Geselle jealous.

"We are the Majestic Mountains looming over picturesque Villa Gesell—how dare he come waltzing over here outshining our glorious majesty!" complains one mountain haughtily.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, I'll take his buns of steel of over your old, craggy ridges any day..." snaps the other.

Erik walks into the bar and instantly confirms from a picture of Schmidt hanging on the wall that he has found his targets. He makes a glass happy as he takes a long drink from it and then wreaks havoc on two Nazi swine cohorts of Klaus Schmidt, impaling the "pig farmer" by his hand to the table as he renders the "tailor" to death by bartender; he offs the bartender with the knife in the pig farmers hand then draws it back to himself to hand-rape the man once more.

"Who are you, you sexy motherfucker?" the impaled pig farmer asks him tormentedly.

"My name is Frankenstein's Monster, be-yotch." Erik kills the pig farmer with a bullet to the brain, armed with the location of his creator and a gun that never wants him to put it down because it has fallen in love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, Charles guzzles at the pub...

…As Raven looks on approvingly—she plans to get her man the old-fashioned way: shitfaced and unable to fight her off.

"I'm so proud of you," she hugs him enthusiastically.

"I need another drink...

"Here ya go..." she is about to hand him one when Moira approaches him, cock-blocking Raven and Heterochromia Bitch from the time before.

"Congratulations, Professor. I'm Moira MacTaggert—do you have a minute?."

"A groovy little thing like you with a mutated MCL1 gene? I have five. I say MCL1, you say..."

"Cut the crap, I'm here on business and I need your help."

"Well, your skirt is rather long..."

"What?" she asks indignantly.

"Uh, nothing..."

"The kind of mutations you talked about in your thesis—is that possible in people alive today?"

Charles reads her thoughts and sees everything that happened at the Atomic Casino. He sees the other groovy mutants and his boner is immediate.

"Professor? Okay, fuck this...maybe when you're sober...can we try this tomorrow?"

"I think you know the answer to that. I really do want to help you and if I can, I will."

"Thank you."

Raven, seeing that Charles has completely sobered up after his talk with the chick in the long skirt, sighs in disgust. Her bladder is full from too many sodas; she sulks as she heads for the ladies room, resigned to the fact that she will have to settle, yet again, for another lonely pee orgasm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miami, Florida.

Colonel Hendry is on Sebastian Shaw's yacht and he's pissed.

"I want my money or I'll blow this tub..." he holds a live grenade in his hand, ready to pull the pin.

"It would be more fun if you blew me," Sebastian Shaw tells him with a smirk.

"What? Fuck you, I'll do it, I swear to God..."

"No you won't—but I will..." Shaw grabs the grenade from a stunned Colonel Hendry and pulls the pin; the Colonel stares in horror as Shaw withstands and absorbs the detonation.

"Son of a bitch," Hendry mutters.

"That would be you, Colonel. It's been real.." Shaw gives Hendry a tap to the chest thereby nuking him.

Emma Frost and Riptide arrive too late with hot dogs; both register child-like disappointment as Shaw shakes his head, greatly amused.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

Charles has accompanied Moira to a meeting with her superiors. He has given a speech that he knows has fallen on deaf ears.

"MacTaggert, is he going to pull a rabbit out of his hat next? This meeting is over," says the Director.

"Uh, not so fast there, gents, I'll go one better," Charles says as he leans back in his chair and spreads his legs to make room for his expanding balls. "Moira, love, I'm a mutant and I can read minds—Agent Stryker, why don't you tell me about those nukes America just placed in Turkey?"

"He's a Goddamned spy!" the Director accuses Moira, totally incensed. "Moira, this is it—you can just go fetch me a cup of coffee right now!"

As the room breaks out in pandemonium, Raven stands and transforms into a carbon copy of Agent Stryker, stunning everyone in the room. She then transforms into her true visage.

"She's blue!" says Agent Stryker incredulously.

"She's hot!" says the Man in Black excitedly.

"She's jail bait, gentlemen, and for all intents and purposes, my sister, as well. Calm your minds—and your privates," Charles tells them sternly.

"I want this place locked down," the Director hisses at them all. "And I want them out of here..."

"I'm on that," says the Man in Black gleefully.

As the Man in Black escorts Charles and Raven from headquarters, Charles freezes everyone on Moira's floor and has a telepathic conversation with her.

_"Meet us on the third floor of the parking garage, love."_

"What the fuck?" says Moira out loud, shocked and amazed.

_"Cool, huh? I'm as interested in Sebastian Shaw as you are—lets' go get him."_

"You're gonna love my facility, Professor," the Man in Black assures him proudly.

"I'm sure I will, but Agent MacTaggert's got a lead on Sebastian Shaw and we need to follow up on it before we lose him."

"Uh, I'm supposed to..."

"You're supposed to be a good bitch right now and get in the car," says Charles as he gives the reluctant agent's mind a little push.

"Yeah, that could be fun, too."

Moira pulls up and they all head off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nightfall in Miami.

Erik has found the _Caspartina_ and passes the 5,234th test of extreme hunkitude as it is apparent that he looks just as fine wet as he does when he's dry. He swims to the boat and easily accesses it. There are wetsuits and then there is Erik's wetsuit, which makes him look like a Greek god in sinfully form-hugging black rubber. He finds Shaw relaxing with Emma and third-wheel, Riptide and thinks to himself what totally boring fucks they are. He approaches them boldly.

"Herr Doktor."

Shaw starts gibbering bullshit in German.

"He's here to kill you," Emma warns Shaw. She floods his mind with his own horrid memories to the point of total debilitation; Erik manages to hurl his knife at Shaw, which Emma deflects easily, now in her diamond form. Erik rushes her and she sends him hurling back to sea where the ocean welcomes him because it has fallen in love.

The Coast Guard approaches and Emma detects a telepath on board.

"I've lost Shaw," Charles says incredulously to Moira and the Man in Black, "they have a telepath and I can feel her in my head. I'm sorry, I'm useless to you—I'm sorry, you're on your own."

As Coast Guard speed rafts race to the _Caspartina_ Riptide hurls tornadoes their way, obliterating them.

"Gah!"

"Charles, are you okay?" asks Moira, alarmed.

"There's someone else out there," gasps Charles as he clutches as his temples in pain. "He's the sexiest motherfucker that's ever been inside my head..." he heads port side and looks over the rail, pointing to a spot in the ocean. "There..."

Erik seizes control of the ships anchor and forces the huge chain around the yacht like a lasso. It drags him to the depths as Shaw's yacht breaks away to free a submarine from its hidden clutches.

"Let go!" Charles yells out to him desperately. "You have to let it go!" He jumps in to save him. _"You can't...you'll drown...you have to let go...I know what this means to you but you're going to die...Please, Erik—calm your mind."_ Charles manages to bring him to the surface at last.

"Get off me! Who are you?" Erik gasps.

"My name is Charles Xavier."

"Were you in my head?"

"Yes."

"Were you rubbing yourself against my thigh?"

"You call it rubbing myself against your thigh, I call it activating a flotation device...a really groovy flotation device..."

"How did you do that?" Erik demands angrily.

"Well, I put my arms about you like so and..." Charles begins to demonstrate happily as Erik bats him away.

"No, not that—how did you get inside my head?"

"Oh...you're not alone, blah, blah, blah, mutant too, blah, blah, calm your mind. Now that's out of the way this is a good time to tell you that I think I'm in love with you."

Off in the distance Sebastian Shaw smirks as he escapes his nemesis, confidant that he is unstoppable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Covert CIA Research Base.

The Man In Black finally has his charges at his facility. As he escorts Charles, Erik, Moira and Raven inside we are treated to the first proper, full and rare view of Raven's scrumptious badonk.

"Welcome to my facility. I hunt for mutants," he informs them all proudly.

"I'm hot for mutants. We're going to get along just fine," Charles assures him.

"This Shaw guy—he's working with the Russians—we might need your help to stop him."

"Groovy," Charles gives him a knowing smile.

***GRATUITOUS PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***

The Man in Black stops them all to stand underneath and admire the model of a jet hanging from the ceiling of a research lab. Everyone looks at it in awe except for Erik, who is quite unimpressed and yawns. Charles gives Erik a knowing smile.

"It's a supersonic...you should see it in real life...it's incredible..." says Hank McCoy, who has just walked into the room.

"That's what I heard about Erik," Raven whispers to Moira.

"Raven, really," Moira scolds her under her breath as her attention is snapped away from the bulge in Erik's pants.

"Hank these are our special new recruits—everyone, this is Hank McCoy, one of our most talented young researchers."

Charles breaks rank and goes into major Mack Daddy mode. "How wonderful! Another mutant, already here...why didn't you say?" he asks The Man in Black, oozing more sex appeal than is really necessary.

"Whaaaaat?" The Man in Black asks as he channels Chris Griffin.

"Oh fuck..." says Charles then as he realizes he's totally outed Hank, "you don't know...I'm so sorry, Hank," he apologizes sincerely.

"Hank? Really?"

"You didn't ask, so I didn't tell," says Hank to the Man in Black, as we continue to get whomped over the the head with overly-obvious gay references equating the plight of mutants with homosexuals.

"So your mutation is that you're a genius?" asks Raven, more than intrigued.

"I'll say—Hank graduated from Harvard at 15," Charles informs them all.

"I wish that's all it was," Hank laments.

"You're among friends, Hank—show us what you're workin' with," Charles coaxes him softly.

***GRATUITOUS PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***

Hank takes off his shoes and socks to reveal his huge hand-feet. Raven and Moira both give each other a knowing smile as Charles drools all over himself and licks his lips salaciously, laughing wickedly like the total horn-dog lech that he is. Erik is still unimpressed.

Turned on by their complete acceptance of him and Raven's goofy smile, Hank further demonstrates how he hangs by jumping up on the model supersonic and attaches to it with his huge mutant roach-stompers. Raven approaches him then, unabashedly delighted.

"I'd kiss you right now, but it would be, like, such a Spider Man rip-off..."

"Yeah, there is that," he says, masking his disappointment in good humor.

Erik looks on, still unimpressed and completely grossed out at Raven's taste in men.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somewhere in the North Atlantic Ocean Even Though We Don't Know It Yet...

Hanging with his favorite bitch-of-the-moment/bodyguard extraordinaire in the stateroom of his nuclear submarine, Sebastian Shaw watches his handiwork in the Cuban Missile Crisis play out in the news on television.

"If that telepath gets inside your head, he won't be as much fun as I am," Emma Frost tells Shaw sweetly.

"Got that shit covered—check this out..." He dons a totally kick-ass new helmet. "The Russians made me this—quick! What am I thinking?" he asks her. Emma tries to read him and then gives him a hangdog look.

"I don't know..." she says, slightly displeased. "What?"

"That you are the most exquisite thing I've ever seen in my life..."

Emma smiles her thanks at his compliment.

"After me, of course. And that this needs ice," he taps his glass with his finger.

Emma takes his glass aware that his previous compliment was more than likely a bold-faced lie and looks askance at him.

"Be a good girl and go fetch me some because this scene didn't get an establishing location title and we have to show the audience where we are and what an incredible asshole I am." He watches her go and laughs to himself. He thinks for a moment about mass-marketing the helmet and selling it to men globally and all the money he could make helping men keep bitches out of their heads, thereby enabling them to live the lives of their dreams—but quickly decides that world domination is better.

Emma heads out as Azazel and Riptide open the hatch; she climbs the ladder and we see her scrape off a chunk of ice from the sail and that the submarine is momentarily parked under an ice floe in the North Atlantic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back At The Covert CIA Research Base...

Raven and Hank have an intimate moment discussing their shared angst over their desire to be "normal" and Hank's progress in working on a cure.

"My blood will help you with the serum?" Raven asks Hank hopefully.

"If anybody's mutation could help it's yours," he assures her.

"So this 'cure'—it just affects appearance, not abilities, right? Cuz I totally dig impersonating other people...do you think it would work on me?"

"I could check it out—that's the least I could do for you givin' it up. The blood, I mean," he says awkwardly.

"Go ahead then, take it." He does. Finding that the injection of something through the membrane of her skin, even if it is just a needle in her arm, arouses Raven so much, she goes in for a kiss. Erik comes upon them suddenly, swagger-jacking and cock-blocking, what is most likely, Hank's first kiss ever.

"Kinky. By the way," he says to Raven, "if I looked like you I wouldn't change a thing." He looks pointedly at Hank then and saunters off, knowing that he has given Raven something to think about and effectively relegated Hank to her accursed "Friend Zone".

Later that night Erik totally steals Sebastian Shaw's file before he heads out of the building. Once outside he is approached by Charles.

"From what I know about you I'm amazed you stayed this long."

"What you ought to know about me is to stay out of my head," Erik responds menacingly.

"I know everything, Erik; I've seen what Shaw did—I can help you."

"I don't need your help, Charles."

"Of course you do. You needed it last night and I gave it to you, didn't I?"

"Did you?"

"Yeah, I did, you know I did," Charles walks up closer to him.

"Did you?" Erik comes closer to Charles.

"I did and you liked it, didn't you? Say you liked it," Charles bumps Erik's chest with his own.

"I didn't like it," he bumps him back.

"Yeah, well I liked it and if I liked it I know you liked it—swat my arse..." Charles turns around and offers it up. Erik obliges.

"Did you like that?" Erik growls at him.

"You know I liked it. Now, tell me you liked it..." Charles says seductively.

"Alright, I liked it."

"I could stop you, Erik, but I won't. You have friends here and a chance to be a part of something that's bigger than yourself."

"There's nothing bigger than myself," Erik says then, full of cool confidence.

"Too right...well, Shaw's got friends—and so do you." Charles turns and leaves him to go back inside the building.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***GRATUITOUS PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***

The next morning Charles sits in the Man in Black's office admiring the view of a huge ball-shaped converted radar.

"Hank converted that radar installation into a transmitter, it's like 123People from hell—a mutant-seeking stalkers delight."

"123People?" Charles asks, bewildered.

"Uh, a little something we've been working on for humans for a while," the Man in Black says nervously. "Anyway, it will amplify your brain waves and enhance your telepathic powers so that we can find other mutants to recruit."

"What if they don't want to be found by you?" comes a deep sexy voice from the doorway.

"Erik...you decided to stay," says Charles happily.

Erik stands in the doorway looking suave, sexy, and totally GQ in a simple black turtleneck and grey slacks.

"If a new species is being discovered it should be by its own kind. Charles and I find the mutants—no suits."

"Wait a minute, Charles you were totally fine with the CIA being involved two minutes ago," says the Man in Black exasperatedly.

"Two minutes ago it was just you me and that big ball out there. Now he's back—look at him—I'm with him," Charles smiles at Erik.

"What if I say no?" asks the Man in Black.

"Go ahead, say no," Charles challenges him.

"No."

"Then good luck getting your big ball off without me."

"Damn it! Fine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I call it Cerebro," Hank says as he gives his team a tour of his transmitter.

"Hook me up, baby," says Charles excitedly.

Hank switches on the juice and the data goes off the chart. "It's working!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shagalicious music begins to play...

The first stop for Charles and Erik is a go-go club where they find Angel Salvadore. Erik hands her some bills.

"That's a huge wad..."

"You don't know the half of it," he assures her.

"For that you get a private dance, Daddy-O..."

Angel secures them in a private suite where we see Erik and Charles reclined on a red velvet bed.

"You know it's double for both, right?"

"Not so fast, we'll show you ours if you show us yours," says Erik with a smile.

"Not how it works around here, guys..."

Erik snaps his finger and she sees the champagne bucket float his way off of the bedside table; he pours Charles a glass. Angel lights up and unfurls her wings, then hovers before them as they toast each other.

"How about a job where you get to keep your clothes on...most of the time?" Charles asks her while trying to keep a straight face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next, they go for a ride in the cab of Armando Munoz.

"Where to, fellas?"

"Richmond, Virginia," Erik informs him.

"That's a six-hour drive..."

"Which gives us plenty of time to talk," says Charles as Erik flips the meter down from the back seat with just the slight movement of his finger.

"Is he coming, too?"

"Who?" ask Charles, looking confused.

"That guy..." Armando points to a crazy gent in a red velvet suit dancing wildly around the cab to the music.

"Austin! Piss off, will you?" Charles shouts out of the window at him irritatedly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At some undisclosed, generic prison Charles and Erik retrieve Alex Summers from solitary confinement. To corroborate the words of the warden, who has just told them that he is the only person he knows that prefers solitary, Alex scowls at them when the door is opened, which the filmmakers totally think explains everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sean Cassidy is at an aquarium, totally clueless as how to pick up girls successfully. After the worst "I like fish" come-on ever (and because he's obviously never studied even bad porn, which would yield better pick-up lines—and results—than his lame shit) his cute little target blows him off. In a complete dick move he uses his sonar to fuck with a tank full of innocent fish, just because they happen to have more sex appeal than him, further assuring that his status as a virgin will remain intact. For some reason Charles and Erik think him a good addition to the team and approach him silently with a net.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somewhere in America James Howlett sits in a bar doing what he does best when he's not going all berserker on an enemy: throwing back shots in a haze of cigar smoke and his own bad attitude, looking devastatingly handsome while he's at it. He is approached by two strangers.

"Excuse me, I'm Erik Lehnsherr..."

"Charles Xavier..."

"Go fuck yourself," he tells them forcefully. With those three little words he has netted himself a hefty check and shown the world that he will leave no X-Men franchise unturned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back on Sebastian Shaw's Submarine...

...Emma Frost senses trouble in her head. She lowers the periscope and goes to Azazel. "There's nothing on radar?"

"No..."

"Sonar?"

"Nyet, bitch...you did read the script didn't you?" he snaps at her.

***GRATUITOUS NUCLEAR PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***

She goes to Shaw where he is locked away getting up close and personal with his nuclear rods.

"Beautiful, aren't they? We are the children of the Atom..." he begins his boring inaccurate speech for the hundredth time.

"We have a situation," she cuts him off. "I can feel the telepath—his shit is way magnified, like 123People from hell—I shouldn't be able to feel him out here. And they're recruiting..."

"Go on to Russia—I'll handle them," he assures her, too cool for school and feeling every atomic particle of his nuclear viagra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Washington, DC, The Lincoln Memorial.

***GRATUITOUS PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***

Charles and Erik sit at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial talking quietly over a game of chess and a grand view of the Washington Monument.

"So many minds, so little time,"Charles muses dreamily. "I can't stop thinking about them—I feel them...their isolation...their hopes...we can help them..."

"Can we? Identification...that's how it starts; being rounded-up; experimented on—next thing you know you've been grandfathered right out of your unlimited data plan..." says Erik bitterly.

"What?"

"Huh?"

"We have common enemies—they need us, Erik."

"For now."


	2. X Men: First Tap A Dat Ass Pt 2

***GRATUITOUS EXTENDED USE OF PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***

Covert CIA Research Base.

The newly assembled team sits in an ultra-hip lounge against the backdrop of Cerebro, framed within the view of a huge window. Raven suggests that as government agents they assign themselves cool secret code names.

"I wanna be called Mystique..."

"Damn—I wanted to be called 'Mystique' Sean jokes creepily. Raven assumes his form.

"In your dreams, dude..." she says before she turns back into her human disguise. The team applauds. Sean is even more impressed because he knows that if he had her power he could finally get a date. Or at least take masturbation to a completely new level. "Darwin, what about you?" Raven asks him.

"Well, Darwin's already my nickname, adapt to survive and all," he says, greatly downplaying the fact that his power of reactive evolution makes him, by far, the most powerful mutant in the room. "Check this out..." He gets up, employing way too much swagger for the lame display of ability he's about to perform as he goes to a handy fish tank, slams his face in it and grows gills for all of them to see. The rest of the team claps like a bunch of four year-olds. "What about you?" he points to Sean.

Sean gives it some thought. "I'm going to be Banshee."

"Why do you want to name yourself after a screaming fairy spirit?" Hank asks, quite perplexed.

"Because my closet is way too cramped and I need to come out now," he admits. "Cover your ears and watch this..." Sean instructs them all. He cops a squat; to the team it looks as if he's going to take a major dump—or let loose a monster fart. Whatever he's doing, the sexy factor is decidedly nil. To their relief he shoots a sonic whistle at the plate glass window before them and shatters it to smithereens. "Your turn..." he says to Angel.

"Well, my stage name is Angel..." she stands and takes off her jacket then unfurls her wings.

"You can fly?" exclaims Raven excitedly.

"Uh huh—and this..." Angel proceeds to shoot a spit ball from hell out of her mouth and through the broken window at the statue in the courtyard. All but Hank find this wildly amusing as he ruminates on the scientific ramifications of her gag reflex and how it could very possibly turn a blow job into a total nightmare. "What's your name?" she directs her question to Hank, who just looks uncomfortable.

"How about Bigfoot," jokes Alex, who clearly has a problem imbibing carbonated drinks.

"You know what they say about guys with big feet...and yours look kinda small, dickhead," Raven disses him on Hank's behalf. The rest of the team laughs as Alex takes the hit.

"So, what _can_ you do, dickhead?" asks Darwin.

Still smarting a little from Raven's diss he totally pussies out. "It's not uh...I can't do it in here..." he mumbles.

"Can you do it out there?" Darwin asks him.

"Why don't you just do it out there?" suggests Raven.

"Can you do it on a train?" asks Angel.

"Can you do it in the rain?" asks Sean.

"In a tree? In the dark? With a mouse? With a fox? Should we put your candy ass inside a box? Can you do it there? Can you do it anywhere?" asks Hank viciously.

"Damn it! I can do it out there!" Alex screams out frustratedly. He walks out through the broken window. "Jesus...get the fuck back," he orders them all as they watch in wonder. They obey only momentarily and peer out at him again. "I said get back," he says angrily. This time they don't comply. "Fuck it," he mumbles.

Alex channels the destructive force in his body and further proves that it is not a good night to be a statue as he slices the fucker in the courtyard in half.

"So...who are you, man?" Darwin asks Alex then.

"Havok, I am."

The team cheers and he is redeemed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile...Moira, Charles, Erik and the Man in Black are in a meeting with the CIA Director and Agent Stryker.

"Okay, Okay—we've got intel that Shaw is totally in bed with the Russians. Go ahead, McTaggert, say it," the CIA Director says with a sigh.

"I'm not here to say 'I told you so'...just authorize this operation cuz we have other shit to do today and a flight that leaves for Russia in an hour..." she says irritatedly.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah—fight fire with fire—I get it. I'm down."

"Wait—you're okay with sending in these untrained, unauthorized freaks who could possibly survive an attack from their fellow mutants instead of hundreds of thousands of semi-trained, semi-authorized, freshly-drafted teenagers who could die horrible but honorable deaths for the sake of their country?" rages Agent Stryker.

Everyone looks at him and utters a collective "Duh?"

"These 'freaks' are dedicated hard-working people, you ass," the Man in Black informs him indignantly as Moira, Charles and Erik leave.

"These kids are not ready for Shaw," Erik admits, as his junk and Charles lead Moira to meet the team.

"I think they're going to surprise you—they're an exceptional bunch of young people..." Charles says with great conviction and pride.

Charles chokes on his words from the moment before as they find the team acting like out-of-control brats at a mutant sleep-over gone wild. He and Erik look on disapprovingly as Moira goes totally maternal.

"What are you doing?" she screams at them as they come to attention. "Who destroyed the statue?"

"Alex..." Hank says, happily ratting him out.

"No, his name is Havok," Raven corrects him as she goes all Betty Boop. "And we were thinking...you should be 'Professor X'," she points to Charles, "and you should be 'Magneto'," she points to Erik then does a little dip and squeals with delight.

Erik is secretly jazzed at his new moniker but remains stoic and disapproving. "Exceptional." His tone is completely condescending.

Moira has no more words and stalks off.

Charles locks his gaze on Raven. "I expect more from you," he glowers at her and walks off.

"Oh yeah? I've got more for you, Charles! Come and get it!" she yells after him angrily, turns around and moons the space where he stood. The rest of the team look on in shock.

"Girlfriend, really?" asks Angel knowingly as she approaches her.

"No, not really. I wish, really." Raven fumes as she pulls her tights up and her dress down.

"I am lovin' the way he flies his freak flag—gimme some, girl," Angel raises her hand for Raven to slap her five.

All of the guys in the room observe their exchange silently, each wishing that either of the girls would give them some, as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Russian Military Retreat.

A lonely little convoy truck containing Moira, Erik, Charles and a very small group of troops travails a long road that approaches the military retreat where Shaw is expected for a meeting with the Russian Defense chief. Moira informs everyone that the security checkpoint in the copse ahead was not mapped and is, therefore, a complete surprise—because why would there be a security checkpoint on the road leading to a Russian military retreat, for fuck's sake?

"Chill, everyone—I've got _this_ shit," Charles assures them all.

The Russian troops inspect the truck and see nothing as Charles completely mind-fucks them all and their attack dog, too. The truck is allowed to go on its way.

Shortly thereafter the team is positioned on a hill and watch as a chopper comes in for landing. Emma Frost exits alone and is greeted by the Chief.

"Where's Shaw?" asks Erik, alarmed.

"Hold on..." Charles invades the mind of a guard standing near Emma to overhear her conversation with the Chief. "He's not coming...what now, boss?" he asks Moira.

"We came for Shaw, he's not here—we've got to abort."

"Fuck that—she's his right hand woman and that's good enough for me," Erik says.

"Hold it—the CIA invading a senior Soviet official's compound? Industrial-strength crack, is it?" Moira says, beside herself.

"I'm not CIA," he says and takes off.

Inside the retreat Emma prepares to bone the information she needs out of the Chief. Or so we think.

Back outside Moira's mission is spinning out of her control. Erik pimps the hell out of a barbed-wire fence and uses it to subdue the soldiers, wreaking general sexy magnetic havoc as he makes his way into the compound and through it. The rest of the team watches in horror and awe and prepare to get the hell out before he stars World War III.

"Shit! No! Charles? Where are you going?"

"Look at him," he smiles excitedly at her, "I can't leave him..." and he's the fuck out of there. On his way in he performs a random and completely pointless act of kindness by calming one wounded soldier while leaving all the others to continue squirming in excruciating pain.

He meets up with Erik and they burst in to the Chief's bedchamber together to find Emma snacking and the Chief dry-humping air alone on his bed.

"Nice trick," says Charles, a touch disgusted. It breaks Emma's concentration and thus her influence over the now surprised Chief, who looks over at Emma more than confused. She shoots him a fugly-ass smile and he throws up slightly in his mouth before Charles puts him to sleep. Emma changes into her diamond form.

"Don't even try it, sugar—you'll get nothing out of me like this," she taunts Charles and shoots a mental dagger at him. He looks at Erik who clearly accepts the challenge at hand. Emma makes a run for it and they easily catch and subdue her. Erik binds all four of her limbs to the bed by its brass rails.

"Where's Shaw?" he demands of her.

Emma continues to resist; Erik wraps another rail around her neck and tightens the grip causing her to crack.

"Erik, that's enough," warns Charles, who has played this particular game with him on a personal level before and becomes aroused in spite of himself. Erik ignores him. "Erik! That's enough!" He ignores Charles still. "Yabba Dabba Doo! Yabba Dabba Doo!" Charles yells out their safeword frantically. Erik relents and Emma changes to her human form, shaking her head at them in contempt.

"Save it for someone who gives a damn, sparkles," Erik says as he lights a cigarette.

Just then Edward Cullen pops his head in through the doorway. "Did somebody call me?"

Charles looks back, sees who it is and registers immediate disgust. "For God's sake, Cullen, you've wandered onto the wrong set--get the hell out of here!"

"Sorry..." the vampire frowns his apology at them all before he vanishes. 

"Charles, if she changes back into her diamond form just give that ass a gentle tap..." Erik directs his friend back to the task at hand.

Charles reads her mind, sees Shaw's dastardly plan and hears his awful "Children of the Atom" speech. "It's worse than we imagined," he says to Erik. "Let's get her to the CIA."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Covert CIA Research Base.

(The familiar strains of a disco song by the Weather Girls begins to play...)

The team is still hanging out in the lounge; Darwin and Alex are bonding over pinball as the others sit and are being taunted by asshole CIA agents through the window. Suddenly they hear strange noises. In another room, Azazel interrupts the Man in Black's meeting with a fellow agent and treats them both to a lovely new game called "It's Raining Men". As the team opens the curtain to look out of the window they are treated to the sight of the Man in Black going splat on the pavement and that of other agents, meeting their death in the same horrible manner all over the base.

(Disco music ends abruptly as more ominous music begins heralding the arrival of the rest of The Hellfire Club)

Shaw strolls in to the main atrium demanding to know the location of the mutants. He is answered by gunfire and laughs as he absorbs the assault and feeds off the energy. Most of the CIA agents and troops, by this point, have the good sense to bend over and kiss their own asses goodbye. Shaw stamps his foot on the floor causing a nuclear domino effect that destroys the building and everyone in it.

Meanwhile, the team is having the general fuck scared out of them by the sight of Azazel and Riptide, who between them, kill more agents and destroy Cerebro.

"Ah, here you all are. Where's the telepath?" ask Shaw when he makes his grand entrance and meets up with his comrades.

"Not here," Azazel informs him.

"Alrighty, then—I can take this off," he removes his helmet. "Hello, kids. My name is Sebastian Shaw and I'm not here to hurt you."

Just then, one stupid troop member, who has obviously been living under a rock, ignores the carnage around him and his odds of survival, as points his puny rifle at Shaw and yells out for him to freeze. Shaw dispatches Azazel to handle that shit, which he does flawlessly. The team adds his vicious display of power to their growing list of "The Most Pant-shittingest Moments Of The Last Ten Minutes".

"My friends, there's a revolution coming—you can choose freely, but you really want to be on my side. You can either be slaves..." Shaw says as he looks at Darwin.

"Why you lookin' at me, man?" he says indignantly.

"Or you can rise up and join me...live like kings..." he looks at Hank, "and queens..." he looks at Angel and holds out his hand. "I'm just sayin'..."

"Oh, I can rise up but I can't be a king? Uh huh, that figures," Darwin says in a huff.

"Dude, please—you should be glad I'm not giving you my 'Children of the Atom' speech. Now shut the fuck up and make the smart choice."

Angel easily switches her allegiance because she likes the idea of being treated like a queen—and she's seen "Wild Things". She takes Shaw's hand and joins his team, admonishing the others to do the same.

"I don't even believe this shit," says Raven disgustedly, mirroring the rest of the team's shock and feeling of betrayal. "We have to do something," she tells her friends. Darwin and Alex share a tense moment before Darwin joins Shaw as well.

"Oh, wonderful—smart move. Tell me about yourself?" Shaw asks Darwin as he approaches.

"Well, I like long walks in the park, lazy Sunday mornings drinking chai latte while I read the New York times and my nipples are really sensitive..." which we see quite evidently under his nice ribbed shirt.

"Not what I meant and way too much information, dude—what's your mutation?"

"Oh...I adapt to survive, so I'm coming with you," he says as he heads for Angel, who is smiling because she's no stranger to threesomes and she digs men with sensitive nipples.

"Cool," Shaw welcomes him with a smile and a pat on the back.

Darwin heads for Angel to shield her and totally ruins the element of surprise by calling out to Alex; they take way too long to implement their now obvious plan and alert Shaw that he's about to enjoy another energy snack. Alex lets his power rip and Shaw not only eats that shit up but easily blocks Darwin's lame assault and force-feeds him a bite-sized chunk of it.

"Adapt to this," Shaw orders him. He joins his Hellfire Club members then as Azazel teleports them all away.

Darwin stands before his team and gives them a look of goodbye. He reaches out one hand, wishing he could strangle someone, preferably the person who allowed such a cool character to go to such horrible waste. His team looks on sadly and joins him in the knowledge that he should not only adapt to Shaw's nuclear breath mint, but become a pure source of energy and a total death god and, at the very least, join Deadpool in Development Hell. Instead he just fucking dies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moscow, Russia.

Sebastian Shaw finally meets with the Defense Chief and converses easily with him in Russian. He smugly apologizes for the embarrassing treatment he suffered at the hands of the CIA and tells them that the ruthless Americans have nuclear missiles placed in Turkey; he then suggests that Russia should step up to the plate and start placing some missiles of their own and happily suggests Cuba.

The Defense Chief laughs in his face. "We'd be starting a war—good one, Mr. Shaw...missiles in Cuba, really," he continues to chuckle. Shaw switches to English.

"Maybe I wasn't clear enough—you _will_ make this happen," he tells the Chief seriously.

"Let's see what the KGB has to say about this," the Chief counters as he heads for his telephone and places a call. The rest of the Hellfire Club teleport into the room before his eyes.

"Now, who's bitch are you?" Shaw asks the stunned man with a self-congratulatory smirk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Covert CIA Research Base.

Charles, Erik and Moira arrive back at the obliterated base. Charles heads first to his beloved Raven and hugs her.

"We've made arrangements to get you all back home," he informs them all.

"Home? Where is that?" Sean asks indignantly. And he's not going back to prison," he says of Alex.

"What?" asks Charles a little taken aback at his vehemence.

"He killed Darwin," Alex says angrily.

"All the more reason to get you all out of here. This is over."

"Darwin is dead, Charles, and we can't even bury him," says Raven then, clearly upset at being denied the opportunity to have a funeral and further lay Darwin and his canon to rest.

"We can avenge him," says Erik to the dejected group.

"Erik, would you shut the fuck up and step over here, please?" Charles is irritated beyond measure. The two men conference quietly with their backs to the rest of the group. "They're just kids..."

"They _were_ kids, Charles. Shaw has his army—we need ours," he counters persuasively as he leans dangerously close to his friend. They lock eyes and a kiss seems imminent.

"Ahem..." coughs Moira loudly. "Uh, guys? Back to the matter at hand here?" she says uncomfortably as she motions the kids with her head.

Erik turns and then walks over to her, whispering in her ear as he passes. "Cock-blocker..." he says seductively. Moira just looks stricken as she creams herself.

"Ah, yes," Charles comports himself before he faces them. "We'll have to train—all of us..."

"Where the hell will we do that? We've got nowhere to go..." says Hank.

"Yes we do," Charles assures them all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CIA Headquarters.

Emma Frost sits in a detainment cell as the Director and Agent Stryker discuss the civil liberties to law ratio as it pertains to deadly mutants and the impending war at hand. They keep talking bullshit hoping that she'll pull that move from "Basic Instinct". Emma shakes her head in reprimand at them, rises from her chair, goes to the two-way mirror and cuts a perfect circle in it with her diamond forefinger. She pops the glass out with a tap.

"Let's get something straight, shall we? You guys are fucked." she says sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile...

The Russians send their one ship carrying nuclear warheads to Cuba...

The Americans dispatch the 7th fleet to meet them...

Charles introduces the team to his, now their, palatial Westchester, New York home and future school for mutants as Raven leads the tour...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Moscow, the Defense Chief persuades the Russians to vote in favor of dispatching the rest of their fleet to Cuba...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In America, the President signs a formal proclamation setting up a blockade of all missiles armed for Cuba and war is imminent...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Westchester, New York.

Charles tries to train Erik, who opts to practice easy un-challenging stuff, like stopping a bullet to his brain at point blank range.

"C'mon, what are you waiting for? You know I can deflect it," says Erik excitedly.

"No, I can't. Besides, if you know you can do it it's not a challenge..."

"That's not what you said last night..." Erik leers at him.

"Erik, on task, please. What happened to the man who wanted to raise submarines?" Charles asks him exasperatedly.

"I need to be in the moment—I need the anger..."

"That's not what _you_ said last night..."

"I didn't need anger to raise my submarine last night..."

"Alright, Erik, that one was my fault..."

"Seriously, though, the anger has gotten the job done all this time, Charles."

"Anger is not enough—that tactic has gotten you nearly killed on more than one occasion—I can't lose you. Come on, let's try something a little more challenging..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My step-father was a complete asshole, but he did build this fabulous bunker," Charles tells Alex as they begin training.

"Bad things happen when I use my power..."

"That's because you don't control it—it controls you. But we're going to change all of that," Charles reassures him.

"You don't think I'll blow up these walls?" Alex asks worriedly.

"This place was built to withstand nuclear attack, Alex—I think it can handle you just fine...aim for the dummy."

"But Hank's not here..." Alex says as he positions the practice mannequin.

Charles shoots him a reprimanding look.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sean, you are a wonder—you can shatter glass!" As usual, the mutant display of ability turns Charles on far too much. Moira watches their session patiently.

"I know that, but explain it to me, because it freaks me out."

"No, I don't feel like it. Just remember that's a muscle like any other in your body," Charles says as he touches his own throat, "you can control it."

"But..."

"Google it, dude..."

"What?"

"I mean, Encyclopedia Britannica, third floor library—read up on it—I've got a muscle to control..." he winks at him as he walks over to Moira, who has just been biding her time and gives a look that proves it, as he links his arm through hers and leads her away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In each of us two natures are at war...

"Jekyll and Hyde..." says Hank after a run that he's lost to Charles.

"Exactly, but it wasn't about good versus evil—it was about man's animal nature and his struggle to conform. It's that struggle that's holding you back..."

"Jekyll was afraid of his power."

"You are, too, Hank; because clearly, large hand-feet terrify salespeople in shoe stores and there is a way to master that..."

Hank nods his head in agreement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If you really want me to do this you need to get back," Alex warns Charles.

"Alright, I'll just step out and shut the door. Ready when you are..."

Charles hears what sounds like a missile firing and then the alarm go off. He opens the door to find the bunker ablaze and grabs a fire extinguisher.

"The room can handle me, huh?"

"Don't be a smart-ass," says Charles irritatedly. "I will teach you to control this, Alex. Stop standing there looking sexy and help me put this out..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sean is being suited-up for his maiden flight by Charles and Hank. "You're sure this will work?"

"Probably—I based the design on..."

"Hank, shut up," Charles instructs him. They take Sean to a window and seat him outside of it as Raven, Alex and Erik watch from one window away. "Remember, scream as hard as you can..." he admonishes him.

"You need the sound waves to be supersonic—catch them at the right angle and they should carry you," adds Hank.

"They should carry me?" asks Sean, loopy as fuck.

Hank can't tell if it's from the adrenaline rush, fear, or if that mack Sean is throwing his way is totally not a figment of his imagination as he appears to swoop in for a lip-lock.

"C'mon, Sean, you can do this—remember to scream—good luck!" says Charles.

Sean jumps and forgets everything he's been told as he falls gracelessly into some bushes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Charles and Hank prepare to race each other again.

"If you want to beat me you'll have to set the beast free, Hank."

Hank accepts the challenge and smokes Charles easily.

"Congratulations, my friend," Charles beams at him. Alex approaches them.

"Impressive, Hank. All you need now is a red nose to go with those bozo feet."

Hank stalks off.

"Must you be such a dick, Alex?" Charles frowns at him.

"Until I get to use the one I have, yes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Raven is bench-pressing weights on an antique bench that matches her lovely, foofy make-shift weight room—because Queen Anne was apparently a bad-ass, too. Erik enters the room and levitates the barbell out of her hand, suspending it above her.

"If you're using half of your concentration to look normal then you're only half paying attention to whatever else you're doing—just pointing out something that could save your life—or keep you from truly enjoying a mind-blowing orgasm." He lets the barbell fall and she reflexively reverts to her true form before she catches it.

"You want society to accept you but you can't even accept yourself," he says softly. He leaves her with that kernel of wisdom as he walks out. The barbell wants to follow him because it has fallen in love, and would try to if not for Raven's death grip upon it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This is so not sexy," complains Alex of his new suit.

"Neither are you so you're a perfect couple," snipes Hank.

"Gentlemen, please," Charles begins, greatly annoyed. He goes to a table in the room and retrieves two magazines. "Have neither of you ever heard of this?" He holds up Playboy magazines for them to see. "Right...now, back on task."

Hank explains the particulars of the prototype attached to his chest to Alex.

"Good—Alex, hit the mannequin in the middle, damn it; Hank lets go out."

Alex tries and fails miserably.

Charles and Hank return to the room. "I have another assignment for you both..." he hands them each a magazine. "Alex, go on to your room and practice hitting your mark...Hank," he hands him his copy, "set the beast free. Both of you go on now. We'll try this again later."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hank sits at his microscope as Raven enters his lab with two drinking mugs.

"Your genes are so hot! Even your leukocytes are sexy," he exclaims. Raven sets her scrumptious badonk in his lap and takes a look. Hank squirms and looks like he'll blow at any moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erik, Charles, Sean and Hank stand atop a radar dish.

"You really think I'll fly this time?"

"Unreservedly—don't you trust me?"

"You? Yes...him?" he points to Hank, "no..."

"Say nothing," Charles admonishes Hank.

"I'm gonna die..."

"We won't do anything you're not ready for..." Charles begins gently but with a slight smirk, as the memory of his and Erik's first night alone comes to him.

"Let me help..." Erik interrupts them and pushes Sean unceremoniously off the radar. Sean screams like a bitch and then lets a real supersonic scream rip as he finally finds his wings.

"Oh my God, Erik..."

"You were thinking it!"

"Yeah, but you did it!"

They both giggle coquettishly.

Hank rolls his eyes and vows silently to himself to burn the "White Chicks" DVD as soon as he gets back to the mansion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hank totally gets his rocks off feeling up the tit of the practice mannequin he's just marked for Alex.

"That's quite enough, Hank, thank you. Alex, I want you to hit the X and try not to hit me."

"What the fuck?" both Alex and Hank exclaim.

"Well, us actually," he says then, referring to Hank as well.

"What the fuck?" Hank looks at him crazily.

"Shut up, Hank. I have complete faith in you, Alex. Fire away."

He does and is successful.

"Am I still a bozo, Alex?"

"Yes, Hank."

Charles goes to the table to retrieve two new copies of Playboy.

"But good work—thanks, man."

Charles gives a sigh of relief and puts them back in the drawer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"See that?" Charles directs Erik's attention to the radar off in the distance. "Turn it to face us."

Erik throws his hands up and does a bad impression of a third-rate magician. He fails.

"You know, anger and pain may have worked for you before, but I believe the true focus lies somewhere between rage and serenity," says Charles then. "Do you mind if I brain fuck you right now?"

"No, go ahead."

Charles accesses a pleasant memory, of what looks to be Hanukkah, that Erik spent with his dear mother. Eric is flooded with the feeling of joyous, unconditional love.

"What did you just do to me?"

"I just accessed your happy place—you still have one, you know—it was beautiful, Erik, thank you."

"No, I didn't know."

"Well, now you do. Try it again," he says as he motions to the radar.

Erik accesses his happy place and achieves monumental success manipulating the radar to meet his will. He and Charles both weep tears of joy. They lean in to each other and a kiss seems imminent.

"I have another happy place, you know..." Erik growls seductively at Charles.

"Do you, now?" Charles asks, now in his own super sexy-motherfucker zone.

"Hey! The President's about to make his address..." Moira calls to them from an open window, breaking the spell between them.

"Come on," Charles pats Erik on the back and rushes off.

"Fucking bitch!" Erik mutters under his breath as he shoots daggers at Moira with his eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The entire team watches the escalating developments of the Cuban Missile Crisis on television.

"That's where we'll find Shaw," Erik tells them all with certainty.

"How do you know?" asks Alex.

"Two super powers facing off and he wants to start World War three...he'll be there..." Charles assures them all.

"Busy day tomorrow—better get a good night's sleep," Erik tells everyone and leaves the room.

Everyone in the room watches him go; sleep is the last thing on anyone's mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somewhere In The Caribbean Near Cuba...

...The nuclear submarine _Caspartina_ sails towards its destiny. Sebastian Shaw is watching the same events unfold in the news on television as his arch enemies over cocktails with Angel.

"The world is primed for war and there's no one to stop me," he gloats.

"Feeling cocky, are you?" Angel teases him after they toast the occasion.

"Always, my Queen," he smiles knowingly at her.

"Well, stop—it's my turn now..." she smiles at him as her hand takes a slow journey to the zipper of his pants.

"I thought you'd never ask," he says with a happy sigh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back In New York...

Hank knocks on Raven's door.

"Come in..."

"I have a surprise for you," he says excitedly as he opens a case and she shows her two hypodermic needles filled with green serum. "This is it—the answer to our prayers. I isolated the right marker in your DNA sample...the serum works like an antibiotic—it won't affect our abilities, just our appearance..."

Raven hesitates.

"You still want to do this, right?"

"Do we have to hide?"

"You're hiding right now, Raven. I just want to look..."

"Normal," they say in unison. Hank prepares to take the shot.

"Hank, don't! You're perfect just the way you are. Look at all we've done this week—all we're going to achieve. Okay, so we're different, but we are totally the shit, dude. Screw society—society should be more like us..." she changes into her true form. "Mutant and proud."

"Raven, get real—you're a blue scaly chick that desperately needs a hair make-over; my feet will never get me laid. I don't care if we cure cancer and save the world tomorrow—we may be accepted, but we'll never be deemed as beautiful. We need this cure."

"You know, I don't know what your big problem is, Hank..."

"Don't say 'big'," he warns.

"All you have to do is wear shoes and socks and nobody is the wiser," she begins hotly.

"Yeah, but they have to come off eventually—scares pussy clear away," he retorts.

"Hank, we know now that we're not alone, and I bet there's some freaky human chick out there that has a fetish for just your type of feet..."

"Yeah, 'freaky'" he says disgustedly.

"But if not, plenty of mutant girls would take you in a heartbeat."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"You didn't."

Raven is momentarily speechless.

"Uh huh, refute that shit," he says angrily.

"That's because you don't want the real me," she says with a tear in her eye, "you want this..." she reverts to her disguise.

"You're beautiful now—with this cure you would stay that way."

Raven shudders with her whole soul.

Hank gives her a final look of exasperation then takes his syringe and storms out of her room.

She picks up her syringe and stares at it, weighing the possibilities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Charles and Erik are playing chess in the library as they discuss matters at hand.

"Shaw has declared war on all of mankind—he has to be stopped..." Charles says quietly as he ponders his next move on the board.

"I'm not going to stop Shaw—I'm going to kill him," Erik says very definitely. "Do you have it in you to allow that?" he asks his friend and waits for answer that doesn't come. "You know what I've been here for, Charles, but things have changed; yesterday this was some covert shit, tomorrow the whole world will know that we exist; they won't differentiate between us and Shaw; they'll be intrigued, take us on a couple of dates, then fear us; that fear will turn to hatred and then they won't call anymore—that shit hurts and I won't go out like that," he says vehemently.

"What are you going on about? If we stop the war...stop Shaw, risk our lives to do so... we can change all of that..."

"Would they do the same for us?"

"We have it in us to be the better man..."

"We already are—we're the next stage of human evolution, Charles, you said it yourself..."

"No..."

"Are you daft, man? Do you think they won't fight against their own extinction? Or are you just being arrogant? After tomorrow they're going to turn on us but you've got blinders on—they're not all like Moira, ready to blow you and bake you a cake, Charles."

"And they're not all like Shaw, either. Listen very carefully, my friend: killing Shaw won't bring you peace," Charles says, finally.

"Peace was never an option," Erik responds coolly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In his laboratory Hank takes the shot; although he won't appreciate it at first, he will transform into something hot, furry, blue and with more sex appeal than he ever thought possible and provide young Andrew Lloyd Webber with the idea for a Broadway show that will net the impresario a shitload of green for the rest of his life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erik enters his room to find Raven lounging naked in his bed.

"Well, this is a surprise," he says, slightly annoyed.

"The nice kind?"

"Get out, Raven, I want to go to bed. Maybe in a few years..." he goes to his desk and turns away from her.

"How about now?"

To our delight we find that she didn't take the shot as he turns to find even hotter adult Raven staring at him.

"I prefer the real Raven," he says to her then.

She transforms into her regular disguise.

"I said the _real_ Raven." His tone is now firm and angry.

She changes into her true form.

"Perfection," he says and means it.

"Could you pass me my robe?"

"No more hiding..." he walks over to the bed and sits beside her. "Have you ever seen a magnificent tiger and thought you ought to cover it up?"

"No..."

"You are a magnificent creature...it's time for you to be free..." he comes in for a kiss.

"What about Charles?" she stops him.

"What about Charles, indeed?"

"You two..."

"Love one another wholeheartedly," he finishes her sentence, "but we are two sides of one coin—we will never truly see eye to eye and I have reconciled myself to that fact. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I want to, but regardless of what you say, you two are the greatest love story on this planet—how can I ever compete with that?"

"You don't have to, Raven; you never have to compete with anyone for anything, you marvelous beauty. There are many great love stories on this planet...you and I, for example..." he takes off his turtleneck sweater, then stands up.

"Erik, I..." Raven begins nervously.

"I know. To quote the words of a dear friend, 'calm your mind'," he smiles down at her as she laughs lightly, a little less nervous than before. "Now, come here..." he coaxes her softly to come to his side of the bed. "Sit up and let me see you..." Raven obeys. "You are exquisite," he murmurs at her. "Now, undo my belt..." His commands come at her like the cool caress of silk against her skin which set all of her nerve endings ablaze. Her anticipation rises to a fever pitch and she finds that she needs no more instruction from him—for the moment.

"Yes, there you are," he growls into her neck as he holds her in his arms, relishing the feel of every delicate scale on her voluptuous little blue body.

She has freed him from every remaining stitch of his clothing. She has been curious about him ever since they first met; joked about him with Moira as any young naïve schoolgirl would; but now he is a reality in her arms and she finds that he is so much more than the mystery she could never fully imagine, more than the hot, throbbing wonder that is growing ever wondrous by the second: he is a man who loves and he loves her, the _real_ her.

"So, you understand now?" he says as he lays her upon the bed delicately. "Or maybe you could benefit from a little more explanation? Extra training, perhaps?" he offers as the crush of his body melds into hers.

"Yes, extra training is always welcomed..." She is amazed that the two of them are truly about to happen and gasps as she feels the first unmistakable stab of his intent and desire.

"Then let the training begin," he says wickedly.


	3. X Men: First Tap A Dat Ass Pt 3

Raven is standing naked in all of her sexy blue mutant glory in the doorway of the kitchen as Charles rummages in the fridge for a midnight drink.

"You know, sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if you hadn't found me here that night," she says softly.

"Say what?" Charles asks before he looks up. "Gah!" He takes a good gander at her before he turns his head and asks her where here clothes are.

"That's not the reaction you had when we first met—I guess pets are cuter when they're little, right?" She takes a seat at the table and he joins her.

"I thought you'd be in better spirits by now Raven—I understand that Hank found a cure for your cosmetic problem—what's gotten into you?" he asks her, quite perplexed.

"Oh, I've got the cure for my "cosmetic problem" alright, and I'll tell you exactly what's gotten into me..." she looks a challenge at him. Charles reads her mind and sees her passionate night spent with Erik.

"Raven! Bloody hell!"

"You know Charles, I thought it was going to be you and me against the world, but no matter how bad the shit gets you still want to be a part of it..." she says angrily, rises from her chair and storms off.

Even though the audience misses the money shot twice, Charles watches her go and gets an excellent view of Raven's naked blue scrumptious badonk, fully realizing the opportunity he's missed out on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning the team prepares to go out on their mission. They arrive at Hank's lab where they find a note on the door telling them to meet him at the airbase and bring the crate marked "X". They enter the room to see that it has been completely wrecked.

"What the hell happened here?" asks Erik. Charles looks back at him with a "Hell if I know" face and finds the crate. The Team joins him as he opens it up and they all peer inside.

"Hank has been busy..." remarks Erik as they all take in the view of their new uniforms.

"Do we really have to wear these? Front thigh zippers, for fuck's sake?" whines Alex.

"It's actually quite slimming—I wish there was one for me," says Moira sadly.

"Yes, well, Moira, if you had some other power besides getting on my last fucking nerve there might have been one for you. And since none of the rest of us have a natural mutation that allows us to withstand G-force or bullets I suggest that you shut the fuck up, Alex. Everybody—suit up..." Charles orders them sternly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The team arrives at the airbase and stand beside each other at attention as they get a load of their new stealth jet. For once even Erik is impressed.

"Where's Hank?" asks Raven, all breathy and worried.

Erik shoots her an indignant look. _Did I not put the shit down last night? What's with this 'where's Hank' crap?_

_"Yes Erik, you did, I heard on good authority. But he's her friend—and you are the one that put him in her friend zone—of course she's worried about him..."_ Charles tells him privately.

_"Get the fuck out of my head, Charles."_

_"I'm just sayin'..."_

"I'm here..." a hazy blue figure walks towards them and comes slowly into focus. The voice is Hank's but his new form is a sight to behold.

Charles just looks confused; Sean's jaw drops to the floor; Alex mouths "Call me later" and winks at him; Erik shoots his gaze back at Raven.

"Hank?" Charles greets him cautiously.

"The shit didn't work.." he says simply.

"Hank, you're beautiful—this is who you were meant to be—and you're blue, like me! No more hiding." Raven says excitedly.

Erik casts his jealousy aside and offers his friend a compliment. "Never looked better, man."

Hank shoots daggers at his cock-blocking rival and grabs him immediately by the throat and with one hand lifts his fine ass off the ground. "Don't mock me," he growls.

Down at the end of the line Charles stifles a chuckle then manages to comport himself properly. "Hank, put him down...Hank!"

Hank drops Erik unceremoniously to the ground. Now Sean tries to keep a straight face.

From the floor Erik looks up at Hank and gasps, "I wasn't."

"Even I gotta admit you look pretty bad-ass...I've even got a a new name for you, man—Beast," Alex smiles at him approvingly, then very knowingly.

Beast shoots Alex a funny look.

"Are you sure you can fly this thing?" Sean asks him then regarding the jet.

"What is this, National Take An Idiot To Work Day? Of course I can—I designed it," he answers him indignantly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cuba.

On the American war ship the Captain and crew watch the radar doggedly waiting for the Russian cargo ship to cross the embargo line; he orders the crew to man their battle stations. the Captain of the Russian war ship does the same, but his heart is not in it. He gets orders from the Kremlin not to start the war. He orders his communications officer to contact the cargo ship and instruct it to turn around. They can't get through. The Russians try desperately to get the vessel to turn around.

The X-Men enter the area in their stealth jet and the American Captain sees it, awe-struck. Charles zeroes in on the Russian cargo vessel and ascertains that Shaw has already been there and the crew are all dead. Moira makes herself useless spouting information we already know as the Russians realize that they've lost control of the cargo vessel, where Azazel is at the helm.

The American Captain hears the report of the Russian effort to retreat from the embargo line but doesn't believe it; he trains his missiles on the enemy cargo ship and prepares to fire. Before the Americans can fire Charles enters the mind of a Russian comrade and has him fire on the cargo ship. Azazel sees the incoming missile and teleports the hell out of there.

"What is this, Russian National Take An Idiot To Work Day?" remarks the American Captain as he and his crew break out into hysterical laughter and cheers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What the fuck?" asks Angel of Azazel as he teleports on board the _Caspartina_.

"The Russians—they fired on their own cargo ship."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On board their jet Beast is a bit peeved as he just narrowly misses a hit by the Russian missile. "Dude, give a motherfucker a heads-up, would ya? I can't read _your_ mind..." he bitches at Charles.

"Sorry...you okay?" Charles asks Raven and the poor virgin sitting next to her, who clearly looks as if he needs a skivvy change. Sean, unable to answer, continues to hyperventilate. Raven, ever cool, whips out her nail kit and files down a broken nail. "I will be when I fix this...there!" she smiles at him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American Captain, still amused, pulls himself together. "Somebody get on the horn—I need a new set of orders!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Comrade, you just stopped a war—Siberia awaits. Take him to the brig," the Russian Captain orders. His guards to take the confused bastard away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The American military has just sold the rights of this fiasco to a major television studio—the sitcom is coming out and will be added to the current fall line-up...they're casting Kevin Bacon as you..." Azazel informs Shaw, greatly impressed.

"Cool, I like him...but that can only mean one thing..."

"What?" asks Angel.

"They're here—that telepath is powerful...time for Plan B," says Shaw as he dons his telepathy-proof helmet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"That was inspired, Charles," Moira tells him from the controls.

"Not really, I pulled that one completely out of my ass. And I still can't locate Shaw..."

Erik is antsy. "He's got to be down there—we've got to find him—now."

"Anything unusual on the radar or scanners?" asks Hank.

"No," Moira tells him.

"Then he must be under water—and we don't have sonar..." Hank complains.

"Yes we do...and I could stand a cleansing dip right about now..." says Sean as he unbuckles himself from his seat.

"Yes, you could," agrees Charles as he fans at the air and accompanies him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"They're ready for war and I'm going to give it to them—crank that shit up to one hundred percent, Azazel, and make sure I'm not disturbed," Shaw tells him.

"A little late for that, don't you think?"

Riptide snickers.

"What?"

"Nothing. Cranking up to one hundred percent output."

Shaw gives Azazel a reprimanding look then heads off for a date with his nuclear rods.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hank! Level the bloody plane!" Charles shouts at him.

"Beast! Open the bomb bay doors!" Sean calls out, which he does. Erik approaches him. "Hell to the no—you get the fuck back..." Sean warns him. Erik smiles.

"I'll be in your head, Sean...remember, it's a muscle..." he touches Sean's throat, "you control it..." Charles reminds him. Sean nods. "On my mark—three...two...one—go!"

Sean drops out gracefully, blasts himself up with a supersonic scream and ascends high into the air to come back down and dive properly into the water. Once underwater he sends out a sonic blast and locates Shaw's submarine. On _Caspartina_ , Riptide gets an earful.

"We've got a fix, Erik—you ready for this?" Charles asks him.

"Let's find out..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shaw, too sexy for all the drama, is still strutting his way to Plan B. He finally gets there and begins his nuclear jerk off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*EXTREME PHALLIC SYMBOL OVERLOAD ALERT*

Erik makes the landing gear happy as Hank lowers them down to scan the ocean for Shaw's submarine. Charles watches him from above. The crew of both the American and Soviet war ships look on in awe. Erik locks onto the sub but has a hard time getting it up.

_"Remember, the point between rage and serenity..."_ Charles reminds him telepathically.

Erik focuses his shit accordingly and achieves success—he raises the _Caspartina_ out of the water and sails it through the air right beside him and his glorious stealth fighter jet. On the Russian and American war ships erections abound.

Riptide exits the submarine, generates a major water spout and hurls it at Erik, as he tries to break his control over the sub. Erik manages to manipulate the sub long enough to crash it on the beach. Charles calls desperately to him and manages to help Erik back on board as Hank tries to maneuver the safest crash landing possible, which he just barely manages to accomplish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shaw, like a crappy cell phone battery, is still aboard the wrecked submarine not yet fully charged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Charles and Erik have an interesting top/bottom moment that Charles makes a mental note of for use later and the team extricates themselves from the wreckage. He then has way too much dialogue to spout as he gives everyone their orders. "I read the teleporter's mind—Shaw is using the sub's power to set himself up as a nuke..."

"Yeah, the Geiger counter is off the chain! We don't have much time!" Moira confirms.

"Moira, get on the radio and tell both fleets to clear out immediately..."

They all look out of their windows and see Angel, Riptide and Azazel in front of the sub.

"I'm going in," says Erik."

"Beast, Havok—back him up," Charles orders them. "Erik, I can guide you in but you've got to shut down whatever the hell he's using that's blocking me and hope that it's not too late for me to stop him. Kick ass, dude."

"I'm on it!" Erik says and takes off.

"Raven? Where the hell do you think you're going?"

"That's my man out there..."

"There'll be plenty of time for that later—I need you to watch my back and cover that door, yes?"

"Oh, you get it like that, but never once could I get the same from you..."

"Raven there's no time for this...your back-covering dilemma is more than over now—on task, please."

"Fine," she pouts. "It's the principle of the thing..."

"Raven! Enough!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Outside the battle begins...

Angel takes flight as Azazel assumes fighting stance. Riptide, given a rare chance to speak a line, produces tornadoes from his palms with all the sexy swagger he possess.

"Behold my soft Corinthian leather!" he flubs his line. Somewhere, Mr. Roarke rolls over in his grave. Angel and Azazel look at him disgustedly. Before he can hurl his tornadoes Alex blasts him right into the side of the sub. Azazel teleports over to Alex and Beast and proceeds to try and whoop some ass; he tries to teleport away from them but they hang on and all crash land on the American war ship.

Moira alerts the fleet on the radio...

Erik makes a run for the submarine and bitch slaps Riptide with a huge sheet of metal from the hull then runs in through the breach...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_"Erik, head for the middle of the vessel—Shaw must be there..."_ Charles tells him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Azazel, Beast and Havok are still duking it out...then Havok has a run in with the American soldiers...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erik reaches the reactor. _"That's the nuclear reactor—disable it."_ Shaw feels his power source drain away...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angel comes in to spit her nasty fireballs on everybody—she blasts Havok's power-funneling thingy on his chest and destroys it. Banshee comes screaming in to deal with her ass wishing he had a flyswatter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back inside the sub...

_"Erik you're there but you've reached a void—"_

_"He's not here!"_

_"He must be there!"_

_"There's no one here, Goddammit..."_

_"Erik!"_

Just then Shaw reveals himself. "Erik—so good to see you again..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back outside Banshee and Angel duke it out in the air...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in the sub Shaw tries to appeal to Erik. "Why are you on their side, dude? Their shit is so over..." he tells Erik of the humans. Erik takes a swing at him but it has no effect.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"He's in the void—I can't reach him!" says Charles frantically to Moira back in their crashed jet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Outside Banshee saves Havok but Angel blasts a hole in his wing. He manages to crash land them back on the beach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm sorry for what happened in the camps..." Shaw tells Erik apologetically. Shaw proceeds to kick his ass. Erik goes crashing into a wall and knocks a hole in it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"He's back!" Charles says to Moira and jumps for joy. _"Whatever you're doing, Erik, keep it up—It's starting to work!"_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erik gives an irritated look and vows that he's going to kick Charles' ass when the shit is over. Shaw manhandles Erik some more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_"Erik, I can see him but I can't touch his mind yet—keep up the good work..."_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Outside Angel comes in for the kill as she approaches Havok and Banshee...Havok whomps her ass with a controlled beam of his power and sends her crashing to the ground, proving to himself that he don't need no stinkin' power-funneling thingy. A short distance away, lying sprawled upon the sand in a heap of his own, Sean laughs at her unconscious ass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You've come a long way from bending gates...and you still haven't reached your full potential, Erik." Shaw kicks his ass some more. "Let's do this together, Erik..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Azazel and Beast teleport back to the beach where Azazel is about to take Beast out. Shaw stops him. But it's really Raven and the ruse allows Beast to knock Azazel out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in the sub Shaw is still making his point painfully clear to Erik. "Who's your daddy?" he asks his battered would-be progeny finally.

"You are—you're my creator..." he gives Shaw his props and strokes his ego long enough to distract him and grab the helmet from his head. _"Now, Charles!"_ Charles takes control of Shaw's mind. "You're my creator...but I'm not your bitch." _"Sorry, Charles."_ Erik puts on the helmet and blocks Charles out. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Charles, are you okay?" asks Moira, quite alarmed.

"Shut up, Moira, I'm dealing with two of the most well-hung men on the planet right now—I've got to concentrate!" he yells at her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If you're in there I want you to know I agree with you about pretty much everything you said. But you killed my mother..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_"No, Erik...be the better man...Erik? Erik!"_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'll tell you what we're going to do..." Erik tells Shaw coldly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_"Erik, no!"_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm going to count to three and then I'm going to move the coin." Erik begins a countdown as he flings the coin towards Shaw's brain. Charles braces himself then screams in agony as he feels Shaw's pain. The coin finally exits the other side of Shaw's head and he falls dead to the floor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elsewhere, the joint chiefs of staff meet and vote to kill all the mutants and Moira, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erik floats out Shaw's dead body from the sub. It is apparent to all that he is in full control of all of his powers. "Take off your blinders, brothers and sisters—the real enemy is out there..." he points to the two fleets off shore. "They're going to kill us all—go ahead, Charles—tell me I'm wrong."

Charles sees that he's right; he looks to Moira and she hauls ass to the radio—the shit is dead and the beach is targeted for attack. Both fleets fire upon the beach.

Erik stops that shit and all the missiles swoon over him as they hover in the air, ready to do whatever he wants of them. Charles tries to appeal to Erik and picks the wrong time to utter the phrase "men just following orders". Erik sends the missiles back to the war ships and a fight between him and Charles ensues. Both fleets prepare to kiss their asses goodbye. Moira fires a gun on Erik who deflects every shot—one deflected bullet hits Charles and he goes down. With Erik distracted the missiles detonate harmlessly in mid-air and the fleets are saved. Erik cradles Charles in his arms and chokes Moira with her dog tags.

"You did this, bitch," Erik hisses at her.

"No, Erik, you did this," Charles grunts in pain.

"I want you by my side, Charles; all of us, protecting each other. Don't let them separate us. We both want the same thing..."

"No, my friend, I'm afraid we don't...you take that helmet off and I'll tell you exactly what I want," Charles cries. A kiss seems imminent and the two men struggle not to give in to their desire. Erik motions for Moira to come assist Charles then stands and addresses them all.

"Their society won't accept us—we form our own. The humans have played their hand and I don't dig the smell I'm stepping in. Who's with me?" He holds out his hand to Raven and utters the magic words. "No more hiding..."

She goes to Charles to say goodbye.

"You're in for quite a ride, love. In the future let's get back to canon and forget all of this 'brother-sister/we grew up together' crap, yes?"

Raven wipes away a tear and nods in agreement.

"And watch out for Azazel, there..."

"Huh?" Raven follows Charles' gaze where they see Azazel perusing a copy of Marvel Comics Official Book Of Mutant Baby Names.

Riptide, Angel and Azazel join Erik as Raven leaves Charles' side to join them.

"And Beast?" Raven calls out to her good friend. He looks her way. "Always remember: Mutant and proud." Her team joins hands and Azazel teleports them all away.

"Yeah right," Beast mutters under his breath, "you don't shed."

The others see to Charles as we realize he is paralyzed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The president declares the missile crises over and thanks everyone for tuning in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the School for Mutants Moira and Charles talk. Moira rolls him out for a walk and then parks him in front of the mansion in his wheelchair.

"So when do you think you'll get the school up and running, Charles?"

"When I find a crew of window cleaners willing to take on the job, for starters."

"How many students do you think you'll have?"

"As many as possible—what's with the game of twenty questions?"

"I don't know, just trying to take your mind off of all the pussy you must be missing out on," she answers him awkwardly.

"Is that why your dress is so long?"

"Yes."

"Don't you worry about me, love. I was in a movie once where all I had to work with was my face and two fingers—this shit right here? I got _this_ shit."

Moira blushes.

"Give us a kiss..." he orders her, still capable of throwing down his sexy-motherfucker mack. Moira obliges him happily.

"You know, the CIA is going to be sorry they let you go."

"We're still G-Men—just without the "G"."

"No, you're something better—you're X-Men."

"I like the sound of that. You know Moira, for us our first line of defense is going to be anonymity," he begins delicately.

"Charles, I would never tell anyone where you are, no matter what they do to me."

"I know, love," he smiles at her and goes in for another kiss and then totally wipes her brain clean of everything important.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CIA Headquarters.

The Director attempts to debrief Moira, but she's got nothing.

"I remember the attack on HQ—then going somewhere else. Then I woke up in my bed this morning...my lips felt kind of tender and bruised and my jaw feels...I don't know, like, really tired..."

The men around the table all looked befuddled.

"He can do that? Just wipe your memory like that?"

"Sometimes I get fragments...a big purple bridesmaids dress..Megan seated on the face bowl, her guts spewing flames of liquid fire..."

"Goddammit, MacTaggert! Wrong movie! I swear, gentlemen, the CIA is no place for women..." the Director fumes.

Suddenly they all hear what sounds like an explosion.

"What the hell was that?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In her detainment cell Emma Frost receives a visit. She shifts defensively into her diamond form.

"Glad to see that your neck healed up," comes his deep sexy voice. "I know we've had our differences in the past, but I'm here to set you free..."

"Really? Where's your telepath friend?"

"Gone. I was hoping you'd be my new telepath friend—and join us..." he motions to the four others standing at the door. She smiles at the two she recognizes and looks a question at the two she does not. She does not even ask about Sebastian Shaw.

"Eric, I believe?"

"I prefer Magneto."

"I'm diggin' your new tricked-out helmet," Emma tells him admiringly.

"I'm diggin' his new tricked out everything," whispers Angel to Mystique before she catches herself.

"Me too," say Riptide as he fans himself.

Mystique says nothing as Azazel shoots her a knowing look before they all take leave.


End file.
